Lifespan vs. Lifespan

Kierkegaard: 5 May 1813 – 11 November 1855
So: 42 years old at time of death.

Nietzsche: 15 October 1844 – 25 August 25 1900
So: 55 years old at time of death.

ADVANTAGE: Nietzsche

Bonus: menwholooklikeoldlesbians vs. hotchickswithdouchebags

Nietzsche and Kierkegaard are heavyweight headliners, but looking further down the ticket there are less substantial bouts.

Our contenders:
hotchickswithdouchebags
menwholooklikeoldlesbians

WINNNER: menwholooklikeoldlesbians
ANALYSIS: Fewer breasts but funnier pictures and sharper writing.

Wikipedia update

Wikipedia: Soren Kierkegaard and Friedrich Nietzsche

Some source material for this most exciting of matchups. However, the article frivolously attempts a reasonable sketch of major points of similarity and contrast between the two philosophers whereas our aim here is higher: to determine unequivocally which of the two philosophers is better, where by ‘better’ I mean ‘more good’.

I note in passing that I recently met a beautiful and vacationing Danish woman who explained that Aabye is pronounced ‘Obu’, except that the ‘O’ and the ‘u’ sound are pronounced all Danish like. Danish is a deeply silly language; it sounds as if R2D2 were trying to speak Ewok, or like the chirruping of dolphins.

Wiki vs. Wiki

Nietzsche
Philosophy of Nietzsche

Kierkegaard
Philosophy of Kierkegaard
Theology of Kierkegaard

ADVANTAGE: NIETZSCHE (The stuff on Kierkegaard is relatively weak.)

Mustache vs. Hat

Mustache

Hat

ADVANTAGE: MUSTACHE

Nietzsche vs. Kierkegaard

First, consider the names. Both are strong. Spelling is in both cases difficult enough to afford us the pleasure of sneering haughtily at those who cannot do it. There is some spread on pronunciation: ‘Kierkegaard’ is straightforward, but ‘Nietzsche’ is the topic of perennial debate among college students everywhere – more so than any other author besides Nabokov. But only Kierkegaard could be an archaic word for a special kind of medieval dagger.

ADVANTAGE: Kierkegaard